I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
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