her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
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I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
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