My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
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