I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
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i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
this will be a night to untag.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
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