I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
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