Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
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