I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
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