Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
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