The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
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Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
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