Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Loading more great texts...