He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Loading more great texts...