There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Loading more great texts...