wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Loading more great texts...