We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
Just general bites
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