Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Send us your Text From Last Night!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
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