I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
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Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
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