So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
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