I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
Just general bites
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Loading more great texts...