arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Loading more great texts...