To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Send us your Text From Last Night!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
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