I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Send us your Text From Last Night!
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Loading more great texts...