Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
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