Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
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You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
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