PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
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