I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
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The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
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