I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
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