So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
did i walk over a car last night?
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