There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
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