Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
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