Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Loading more great texts...