Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Send us your Text From Last Night!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Loading more great texts...