I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
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PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
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