MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Loading more great texts...