Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
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