Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
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