the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Send us your Text From Last Night!
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
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