Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
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It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
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