Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
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