Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Send us your Text From Last Night!
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
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