We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
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