I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
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