Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
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