I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
This is my gift to your gina
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I have poison ivy on my dick
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
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