Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
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