I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
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