my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Canadian or clown?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
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