the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
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drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
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