He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
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