There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
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I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
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