You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
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